One night in wonderland

As we stared across the end of the street nothing seems to make more sense that to hold his hand, to let him in... To share my pain with him. But I knew, immediately after the first thought (of reach for his hand) that it was absurd. He would let me have it, of course he would. Probably he will see it as me showing some feelings, when really it was going to be my way to ask for help for begging him to stay.

That was a good night. Even tho i’ve never felt so lonely in my whole life...so empty, to be really specific. I felt like if letting you in and telling you those kind of things were just an easy way to get rid of the things that hurts. I wanted desperately to be healed and safe; even tho I knew (and was pretty sure about this fact) that you couldn't heal me. But you make me feel safe, and that was as good as it will ever get.

As we stood outside of your house sitting in the trunk  of my car, talking about nothing without staring at each other I wanted to make that moment last forever. I not only loved you for an hour, I loved that easy calm person that you let me be around you. God, that was really a good night. 

But now in the morning light I know how stupid I'm being to ever dare to think about that kind of stuff. i had to take some kind of distance now I guess... I had to push him away, fast and forever.

#latepost